And That, Your Honor, Was When I Killed Him

Bigger is always better.  Always.

The bigger and more complex the company/system, the easier it is for things to slip through. Generally, I try to talk to a human and start out saying, "I need some help." It usually goes well from there. But sometimes, just sometimes, things go haywire.

Today was that day.

While investigating online why the automatic payment for my mortgage didn’t automatically get paid, I was deeply dismayed by the mortgage holder’s website which claimed that my loan has been “closed”.  That was somewhat ominous, especially since string section of Bernard Herrmann's Psycho Suite kicked in at that moment.

With trepidation, I pressed on.  I called the number the website gave me for “further assistance” and was immediately kicked into their VAL 9000 automated system. Automated response systems are a real time-saver—for businesses.  Messy questions from customers can be handled without ever actually listening to the customer.

They’re nothing short of a man-made calamity on the scale of Dresden after the bombing for the customer.

That’s when they work right.

When they go wrong, it’s more along the lines of a global thermos-nuclear war.

Today was that day.

VAL 9000, a chipper, happy-to-help-you, female-voiced system asked me to choose, verbally,

Rob?  What are you doing Rob?

between entering my social security number or my loan number.  As I have two loans and was only interested in one, I said, “Loan number.” 

“Please enter the four-digit extension of the person you are trying to reach,” VAL 9000 requested. 

I tried to ask for a representative or to go back. 

“Please enter the four-digit extension of the person you are trying to reach,” VAL 9000 requested. 

I punched in zeroes and ones in a vain.

“Please enter the four-digit extension of the person you are trying to reach,” VAL 9000 requested. 

There was no way out.  I hung up and tried again.

This time, I tried my social security number.  Things went better with VAL 9000 until I requested a customer service representative.  Miffed, she immediately hung up on me.

On my fourth try, I ignored all of VAL’s requests for information and insisted on a human being.  VAL tried, repeatedly, seductively to insist that she could assist me.  I remained unmoved.  Eventually, she gave up and Michael answered the phone.  I let Michael know that their automated system was a mess, that it had taken me several phone calls and effort to reach him.  I explained that the online website had claimed my loan was closed and that I was trying to find out why my automatic payment hadn’t been automatically paid.

“You can go to the online site for that information,” Michael informed me.  “Or use our automated phone system.”

Now why didn’t I think of that?