Congratulations. You’ve completed your manuscript, your best
friend, spouse or boyfriend/girlfriend has given you their obligatory
ego-stroke, and you’re ready to experience what readers really think. But, before you open that email, or login at
Goodreads, you should prepare yourself . . . for your eventual fame, of course!
Here’s
a step-by-step guide of how to get ready.
Step
One - Drink
This
is not advice. This is mandatory. Sit down with a shot glass and something at
least 80 proof. Divide your current age
by five. Drink at least that many shots. You may always drink more, as it will help
with the following steps.
Step
Two – Armor Up
Don’t
wait. Go on the defensive
immediately. A genius of your literary
merit and scholarship shouldn’t have to abide by the second-guessing of lesser
intellects. Helm, breastplate, greaves,
shield, the whole steel cocoon! Tank-up
if you have a tank. Nothing less than a
Panzer though. I’m tired of seeing all
those second-hand Shermans disabled by heavy ordinance.
Step
Three – Lash Out
Anger
is not the way to the Dark Side. It’s
the first, best and only way to make a reviewer understand just what a true, bald-faced,
tree-hugging, bunny-thumping, puppy-kicking, Tea Party-voting idiot he or she
is. I prefer to go ballistic, but
don’t limit yourself. Boil over. See blood.
Have a conniption. Flip-a-doodle. Redline.
Whatever it takes.
Step
Four – Become Vindictive
Sure,
your characters may have all the depth of two-dimensional card board
cutouts. Your plot may have more holes
than Swiss cheese used for target practice.
Your dialogue may be wooden, your grammar broken and your spelling that
of a third-grader who never learned how to spell . . . but you are JUSTIFIED in
mocking a reviewers writing style, choice of phrases, height, weight, sex,
race, anything really. Stab them in the
back, twist the knife, then pull. Repeat
if necessary.
Step
Five – Go Public
It’s
not enough to send a sarcastic “Thanks for nothing” email in response to a
mediocre or bad review. Get on Amazon
and Facebook and tell the world, in exacting detail why your reviewer is wrong
about your writing, and exactly how low their morals character is. If possible, engage the reviewer in a heated
debate. Go big or go home. There is no room here for middle ground.
This cracked me up, but I then I felt bad afterward. Convicted.
ReplyDeleteI started working on a serious post, because I think we're all guilty of this.
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