Gary
Provost
A
fellow writer posted up a fight scene for review, and it was quickly apparent
that the scene had
problems. The main
problem was the flow. It didn’t feel like
a fight. Fights are quick, and, if
Hollywood is to be believed, suffer from shaky-camera-syndrome. To be fair, fights and battles are indeed
erratic, chaotic, and confusing. Uniform
battle dress was used, in part, to distinguish the good guys from the bad
guys.
Excuse me, but would you say I'm moving with the strength of a lion or that of an elephant? |
In
the heat of battle, it’s hard to tell one guy screaming and waving a sword from
another.
In
writing, fight scenes especially should take the advice of Mr. Provost, and use
sentence length to advantage. Because
fights are quick, actions are fast, and always in motion, sentence structure
should convey this to the reader as much as the words. This is a lesson I didn’t really learn in my
first book. Fights and battle scenes
were some of my first attempts at writing, but I didn’t realize that sentence
length could suggest the same speed, ferocity and hammered action of the fight.
Robed figures
came from the right. Each clad from toe
to tip in a garish yellow, rendered more so by the obscene red glow. Blades were produced from under cassocks and
growls issued from out of cowls.
Del didn’t have
time to aim.
She tried to
shoot low, to wound without killing. Her
guns barked and spat fire. Robed figures
fell as scythed wheat. Something big and
heavy cracked against her back. The blow
wasn’t much—in her current state, she barely registered any pain at all—but it
distracted her enough that she paused. A
knife, wickedly curved and partially serrated, slashed through her thigh. It cut cloth and drew blood.
Then Marrin was
there, his sword bare, but in his hands it would be as deadly or as safe as he
wished. He used the flat, the pommel and
the guard to amazing effect. His first
blow smashed the knife from Del’s would-be killer, and he back-handed the man’s
face. He stepped to the left and put
himself amongst the acolytes, slashing and swinging with a speed and fury that
was hard to resist.
This ain't no tea party . . . oh, wait. |
It’s
not a bad effort for a freshman author. The
first couple of paragraphs take advantage of the sentence length pretty well,
moving the action forward, and highlighting the speed at which the fight is
taking place. Then Marrin shows up. His appearance is conveyed randomly, which is
poor writing in itself. Previous scenes
reflected that the character was present the entire time, so there’s no reason
for him to show up as if he’d been standing off camera just waiting for his big
Hollywood moment. The bad guys and Del
should have seen him the entire time.
Marrin’s entire paragraph is only four sentences long, but it’s as many
words as the previous paragraph (69 versus 74), which takes up six, short,
sweet and mostly adjective-free sentences.
A
quick rewrite that would keep the action in the reader’s mind flowing would be:
Marrin stepped
to the left of Del, his sword bare. With
the flat of the blade, he batted the knife away from Del’s attacker. His fist smashed into the man’s face. The acolyte flew back from the force of the
blow. Marrin moved into the gap. He used the flat, the pommel and the guard to
amazing effect. He put himself amongst the
acolytes and slashed with irresistible speed and fury.
Now
the paragraph moves along. The action
speeds up. Marrin is a force, a
whirlwind. He’s a master swordsmen that
the evil acolytes can’t hope to contend with—and they don’t. The paragraph is the same length (70 words),
but it moves a much faster clip—the action is visceral and kinetic. It’s still not the best it could be, but it’s
stronger than it was, reflecting how much attention should be paid to the emotional
content of such scenes to keep the reader engaged.
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