You, as a
newcomer to giving your opinion (and yes, you do have one) may be apprehensive,
even scared.
But fear
not!
(Ooo,
that felt good. I’m going to say it
again.)
Fear not,
I say!
My
step-by-step guide will show you exactly how to write the perfect review, no matter
what genre, your experience, or even having read the book!
Step
One - Skim
Reading
is for suckers. There is nothing new
under the sun, and this book is no different.
Most writers fill their stories up with useless knowledge about
characters, settings, plot, obstacles and resolution, etc. This should have no bearing whatsoever on
your review. Read a few pages, skip
ahead, don’t bother with any intricacies of dialogue, or author choices, finish
up the last few pages and then hustle to your keyboard. Your work as a reviewer is done.
Step Two – Make It Personal
You are,
after all, the audience. Not part of an audience. THE audience itself. Numero Uno.
The Boss. The Big Cheese. The Head Honcho in Charge of the Universe
According to You. The writer is writing
specifically for you, and if he or she or they or it fail to meet your every need
and address your personal whims, then now is the time for character
assassination and good old-fashioned name-calling.
Step
Three – Logic? What’s Logic?
Author’s
don’t make choices for a reason. Ever. If you think and author has some kind of
internal logic, then, as a reviewer, you’ve failed. Authors, always willy-nilly throw around
characters and events. They never try to
justify a choice with previous dialogue or information. Don’t try to follow along, just build your
review knowing the author was an idiot.
Step
Four – It’s Your Turn
What’s a
review for except to point out all the ways in which you could have written
this story, and made it so much better? After
all, you can see so much clearer into the author’s world than they can. It’s only right, fair, and even responsible
for you to show that, no matter how in-line with the characterization or the
plot, the book would have been “so, so much better” if it was written your way.
Step
Five – You’re the Expert
So what if the author has a PhD in Native American history
and has written the book specifically based on a previous peer reviewed article? Who cares if the author is actually a Native
American herself? What does that matter
when you have Wikipedia and own the director’s cut of “Dances with Wolves”? So-called “experts” are nothing more than a pedantic
wannabe, and it’s your duty to point out how things really are.
The last
thing to remember is that, whenever possible, you should engage in an angry
argument with the author. Don’t let
things like “facts” or “quotes” dissuade you from your original stance. No one was every called a hero for reasonable
discourse (except that Gandhi fellow, and that Martin Luther King, Jr.
guy). There’s no such thing as “right”
or “wrong” where a review is concerned, only where the author is concerned, and
then he or she is always wrong, wrong, wrong.
ROFL I think a lot of reviewers have read this advice and follow it close to their hearts.
ReplyDeletePerhaps the professionals. I worry about those who have only limited or no experience writing a review. They need guidance! ;)
DeleteHAHAHA Excellent advice. I think I shall follow when your book comes out. (grin)
ReplyDeleteMarci
Thanks Marci. It's exactly the step-by-step I follow when constructing any reviews.
Delete